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this blog is officially closed.
depressing place.
for new reads,
http://belleofdeball.blogspot.com
Charlene [9/26/2004 01:15:00 AM]
wrapped
confined
desolate corner
alone
silent
cold
arms wrapped
huddled
eyes
welled with tears
time
on fastforward
yet
i
a standstill
lost
blindfolded
i wonder
shrieking darkness
shadows
yet
formless
spinning
throbbing beats
i hear
head
fallen back
surrender
i surrender
lost
know not
what i feel
how i feel
why i feel
sleep
unwelcomed
the darkness
screams
horrified
in that corner
i hide
my eyes
i keep shut
harder
i shant!
i cant!
cold palms
i clasp
i shiver
confusion
i shudder
a stranger
my reflection
help
i seek
i know not
where I
have gone
soul-less
happiness
i cant feel
a smile
i cant carry
a silent holler
the blast
release
i seek
too much
far too much
no longer
can i endure
deep
my fingers dig
pale
my finger tips turn
drained
misery
i seek
to release
boiling
i feel
delicate beads
tickle down
yet
cold
i shiver
wrapped
lest
warmth
i have forgotten
i dont remember
what is touch?
so distant
unreachable
help
to whom
will i cry
for what reason
should i cry
lost
i surrender
love songs
the radio
my enemy
tease me
tease me of my helplessness
mock me
mock me of my loneliness
space
i watch
my vision
unclear
fingers
life of its own
i know not
what i type
emotions poured
emptied
yet
they return
heavy
is my heart
burdened
of troubles
i know not of
tight shut
i refuse
darkness
i want to remain
emptiness
i want to embrace
alone
the corner
i conquer
leave me
i surrendered
threaten me
no more
have i not
surrendered
no more
am i
smiling
is that what is required?
suffering..misery?
have i
taken for granted
too long
have i been
blessed
too long
have i smiled
from my heart
now
nothing
i am left
emptiness
i feel
i am
not myself
no more
a tear
i feel
traced my cheeks
stained my face
warm
yes
i feel its warmth
for that slight
second
now
it disappears
cold
i shudder
wrapped
my arms
cold
my palms
wet
inside
i burn
outside
i huddle
my dark corner
my sanctuary
alone
i sit
shadows
floating
mocking
i am
but
by myself
frightened
cold
my head
i bend
my last sigh
i surrender
Charlene [10/02/2003 12:50:00 AM]
Confessions
For me?
My heart
Pounds
We’ve just met
Its really
Not possible
Almost
Strangers
Lest
Love?
You confess?
I dare not believe
A moment’s
Reaction
Hasty
Sudden
A mistake?
Rational decision
Thinking
Too much
Love?
You confess?
I dare not believe
Love
I shudder
My enemy
It hurt
Shun away
My decision
But
Weak,
My heart stays
The yearning
I confess
But strangers
So much…
Undiscovered
Unknown
A long path
Walk with me
Yet,
Love?
You confess?
I dare not believe.
Charlene [8/27/2003 01:14:00 AM]
* has it been a week since my birthday!?! i nv did realise! a week into 16 - not much has changed really! whole worlds counting down to prelims. 16 i think. made a promise to someone id study. and i will. YOU better be bowling next year!*
ruthless
the tongue
stabs
daggers
thrown
thoughtless
victims
unknowing
innocent
my heart
target
of one such
bled
dry
pain
sour
tight strangle
i suffer
unknowing
innocent
yet
stabbed
suffer
the sour
taste
the bitter
feel
PAIN
feelings
pyschological
lest
materialize
fresh for
touch
forceful
i am
pained
innocent
unknowing
yet
i am
stabbed
nothing
have i
wronged
promises
dignitly
fulfilled
unhappy
u
stabbed
u begged
i
reluctant
yet
complied
i loved
fulfilment
your desire
unhappy
u
stabbed
innocent
unknowing
yet
i am
stabbed
the wall
bricks i built
i tore
for you
a smile
i brought
unto you
happiness
i create
yet
u stabbed
me
unhappy
unsatisfied?
innocent
unknowing
yet
i am
stabbed
* u asked for my heart..to u i present. a sword u sent right thru *
Charlene [8/21/2003 11:45:00 PM]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO CHARLENE
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!
gosh..16 already! sweet 16!
i'm gettin old!
cheers mates!
muackz!!
* i make a wish for u *
Charlene [8/13/2003 01:42:00 AM]
tears
stain
i shiver
uncontrollable
hands
grasp tight
a cry
in
helpless agony
why!
wearily
i premitted
your entrance
afraid
yet
willing
a glimpse of
happines
in you
i saw so clear
i.......
i saw wrong
why!
rope
to hold on
u promised
love
u delivered
for how long
i
released
hung out of
love
drunk
from
hurt
too quickly
u came
why!
dont be
another
mistake
wrong
after wrong
never
get it
right.
why!
exasparetion
i surrender
misjudgemnt
repeatingly
i
give up!
* i'm hurt...when u promised never to let me *
Charlene [8/10/2003 06:16:00 AM]
years pass
days cross by
where?
have they went?
were they
just
mere minutes
of nothingness
or treasured
pasts
precious
memories?
chanes
many slipped
did i miss my mark?
were they my mistakes?
unclear questions
yet
unwanted
to be answer
future
never told
patiently
at the corner
i await
the coming of age
only 16
yet
i want more
retrained by
youth
contained by
rules
'grant me - liberation of choice'
love
for
difference
as i
come to age
once more
disappointment
over
expectations?
hardly
i swear!
emptiness
arrival of
that special day
special?
doubt!
so much
did i invest
returns
probability of
none
wherefore
am i
to smile
to?
coming of age
i stand
alone
afraid
empty
independance
i learn
happiness
my palms
openwide
be free to fly.
3 more
days
tolerance
praying
disappointed
yet
a mask
i dawn
to u
i smile...
* loneliness has always been a friend of mine *
Charlene [8/09/2003 01:36:00 PM]
PREJUDICE
trapped
education, hear my yearning call
grant me
the gift of knowledge
free me from
PREJUDICE against women
trapped
role of the dutiful daughter
grant me
liberation of choice
free me from
expectations of traditions
__________________________
trapped
dull conventionality
grant me
release of passion
free me from
tentacles of the norm!
trapped
narrow-minded system
grant me
opportunities of discovery
free me from
cynical, unspoken PREJUDICE!
* that was my generations poem contest entry! thought i did a pretty good job there =) *
Charlene [8/01/2003 10:04:00 PM]
who's charlene?
i love my name. not belle charlene - tts too formal. just simple charlene. feminine, yet with an edge. classy, yet down to earth. is that me? i'm far more than just 4 adjectives.
i dare say (holding my head high) , i'm different. anybody can say that - but truthfully, honestly, ahh..that's a different thing.
i'm beautiful. some may disagree. my parents, both blessed with gorgeous features, brought life to an absolutely stunning baby girl. even though i might not be as stunning as before, i kept my beautiful eyes and mouth. i adore my eyes. like me, they're different. single-lidded. slightly lift at the ends. small yet beautiful. its shape, so perfect, so beautiful! my mouth, or more precise, my lips. small, naturally red. a tint of pout. sounds kissable? you bet! haha!
yes i am beautiful.
why?
i know how to love. i live, to love. i love from within, my heart, over running with love. free for all. yet, abused by many. yet, i remain, stubborn. love was never meant to be kept within. hurt as i am, i still love. i still wait to love. for i am who i am meant to me, a lover. a gentle kiss, a soft caress, anything for your smile =)
i love and treasure. the stars that light my cold desolate sky. my friends. my family.
my friends, all my dear dear friends. they are brave. and tolerate. for charlene is demanding. yet, they prevail. and for that, i love them so. eternal gratitude, cliche, for its truth.
family. my mentor of love. you mould me. charlene, u chose the name. charlene, i love what u had of me. the sacrifices, the compromises, the love.. i am who i am because of u. i love me and i love u
passion. i feel. i think. i express. silently, in writings. for words can soar into life. what a mouth speaks, will be forgotten. what a pen (or now in moden times, computer) writes, will be recorded, remembered. undiscovered, yet i admire, in silence. the world is yet, not ready, for charlene.
tears. i cry. alot. tears, my source of release. cleanses my soul, empties the trash. the hurt. the disappointments. the anger, the jealousy. the misery. the selfish. the bad. washed away, so that the smile can shine. i cry, for me.
my eyes, lovely eyes, they begin to tire. for their beauty, a costly price, they are sensitive. strained with the simplest ease. rest, it cries. yes, rest i will
charlene - its only the beginning!
*even heroes have the right to bleed*
Charlene [7/27/2003 02:49:00 AM]
love
i yearn for love
the embrace
the security
the love
hold me
are you there
emptiness
i feel
left alone
deserted
lost
desperation
insignificant
i feel
unwanted
unimportant
love me
anybody?
call for help
999
emergency?
i need rescue
rescue
from desolation
rescue
from loneliness
rescue
from the pain
i crave
love
the knowing
of importance
let me
love
let me
be loved
the constant
the undying
shoudlers of
support
hands of
gentleness
eyes of
sincerity
kiss of
LOVE
i desire
passion..
true, deep
passion
love
its web of
tight embrace
trap me in
lock me up
least
happy i be
starlit sky
a wish
i make to each twinkle
a thousand stars
a thousand times
repitition
thurst my hands up
grant me
believe me
i kneel
i beg
i ask
deepest sorrow from
within
love
give me
the love i deserve
wrongs
i have not done
love
i give
yet
love
i fail to
receive
longing
longing for...
love
uncontrollable
stab of hollow
i feel
empty
so much
love
unclaimed
unwanted
useless
so much love
in me
what am i
to do?
who am i
to love?
let it go
flow away
rather empty
than
untouched
love me
space
i detest
fill me
with love
kiss me
shower my lips
with love
hold me
embrace me
with protection
i give
yet
i do not receive
love me,
anyone?
* a thousand stars..yet, not a single wish *
Charlene [7/24/2003 12:44:00 AM]
hypocritism
backstabbers
lifeless
frustration
trapped
i am
not
who i truly am
hidden beneath
trapped
unconventional
different
despised?
liberation
grant me
mistaken
paths
wrongly chosen
yet
i
cant turn back
regrets
though many
unforsaken
passion
simmered
desire
broken
yearning
done away
follow
in line
the norm
conventionality
obvious right
yet,
i feel
trapped
take me
for my
difference
let
me
have my
way
trapped
lost
this is not
who i want
am
or will be
defiance
unwilling
unourposed
left
stranded
only way out
trapped
torturous
chains
cynical
mocking
loser
no
just
DIFFERENT
useless
no
just
UNDISCOVERED
trapped
free me
of the spiked walls
of
hypocritism
conventionality
free me
from
hell
i lay down
acceptance
with
hatred
acceptance
never
bow down
i remain
trapped
*free me from the nothing i've become*
Charlene [7/03/2003 11:57:00 PM]
stood up
turned away
moved on
emergency repair
did the job
deep jagged scar
looks good
adds life
taken for granted
the tables
turned
begging
hungry puppy
tempting
isnt it?
hands off
uve had your chance
innocence
not to be toyed with
distractions
enough already
priorities
straightened
bumpy ride
grab on tight
knuckles
whittening
i must hold on
feet
firmed
i will not fall
pain
a great teacher
strength
wisdom
naivity
all grown up
l
o
v
e
stay away for now
leave me
have u not haunted
long enough
yesterday
i craved for embrace
today
out the door
i forced
will i crumble
tomorrow
will i let the door open
l
o
v
e
what charms do u
poccess
so much evil
so much desire
yet
so gentle
so soft
master of disguise
hide away
out stretched
your cries
upon death ears
it falls upon
~ succumb ~
be gone
weakling no more
ive been taught
by the enemy
victory
i conjuered
softness
well buried
i live
for me
* your beauty will never hide the pretentious heart *
Charlene [6/28/2003 04:39:00 AM]
* drum roll *
ladies and gentlemen....
the one..
the only...
Charlene!!
yea, i'm back in action!
Charlene [6/28/2003 04:15:00 AM]
reflection
time passed
wounds
mending
though not healed
anger?
no more
a tear,
for lost times
lost memories
so many
what ifs
a miss of heartbeat
rekindles with
the mere mention of your name
yet
the love
though still around
weighed down
untouched
left to swivle
like sand
on a sea bed
undisturbed
gentle
quiet
yet once provoked
whirlwinds into chaos
my heart
wrapped
tight
i dare not disturb
i dare not charter
fear of unknown
once bitten. twice shy?
yearn
to love again
so much in me
let me once again
make someone smile
importance
i want to be
i love to love
yet
no one answers
my calling
so much attention
i want to give
who will take it?
....
someone will
but brave
am i?
will it go unreturned
will the story
go on rewind?
hesistant
unsure
doubtful
time
will answers be shown
can i be sure
the steps
i will not fall
cry no more
my tears
too precious
u took too many
i'm saving the rest
life's mysteries
once again
trapped
when will i find the key?
unlock me from this threshold
who am i?
just a fall back?
am i so
insignificant?
do i only mean
so little?
why...even now
u pain me!
* r u happy? *
Charlene [5/26/2003 09:33:00 AM]
my com's been down for quite some time now..and well, for those of u who constantly come here for your daily dose of nonsense of charlene's life...a thousand apologies!! the only time my brain actually functions properly is during the night (maybe tt's why i cant seem to study in the day!) ..but sadly, i only have access to the net in school..so sigh.. i have thought of writing my nightly thoughts down and then transferin them here..but then..the sentimental value wont be in it...lol! maybe i'm just lazy! =p
i have been pretty upset with my life lately...falling in and out of depression... throwing terrible tantrums...being very demanding and unreasonable...and yet... i have such wonderful people who are always around to put a smile back on my face! i cant possibly express how thankful i am to each and every one of u.. u have been there to guide me through one of my roughest storms.. and though the journey isnt complete..i know there is always u around for me to run to.. a special mention to : Ting ( i had a lovely time honey...thank u so much!!! *muackz*) , Qi (sorry for keeping u up in those late hours..i promise, i'll pay for yr cucumbers =p) , Denise Mei (your poems, your smses, your constant care! thnx!) , Puayyong (enuf of my nonsense yet? there's more to come!) , Dawn (yea, he sucks doesnt he?!!? BIG mistake! haha) and to everyone else reading this! my heartfelt thanks and gratitude..love all of ya~!
storms and turmoils
life made bad
impossible to overcome
the light, so distant
i yearn to be led
helplessness i feel
i want to let go
so much hurt felt
so many tears flowed
how can i survive
i'd rather die
away with all this misery
lost in the whelms of time
my fingers slip
i feel the fall
slowly, surely
i'll hit the bottomless floor
yet a sudden strength
a familiar voice
a strong tug
from the cliff, i was hoist
don't give up
i'll guide u through
your words i heard
death, away it flew
i owe it all
to your undying care
even when i gave up
u were still, always there
thank you my friend
from the depths of my heart
thank you ever so much
my fullest gratitude,
addressed to u,
i send
*smiles*
Charlene [4/28/2003 09:33:00 AM]
*~* Another lovely poem by my dear denise mei mei.. about.. ME! lol! *~*
*~* i think its really nice (bhb ah!)! thank u so much mei! =) love ya lots! *~*
Captivating many with such beauty,
Her heart, filled with magnanimity,
Awe-inspiring personality of a girl,
Revealing the utmost beauty of her.
Life is beautiful with her by my side,
Everything would just seem so right.
Nothing will ever go wrong because..
Everyone adores Charlene Belle Kwan
*~* i like the last sentence the most! heez~ =p *~*
Charlene [4/28/2003 09:10:00 AM]
who have i forsaken
who's tears have i caused
what sin so deadly
have i commited
what evil so power
have i
been tempted
questions
once again
in search of answers
momentary happiness
shortlived
undeserved?
my sunshine
stolen away
robbed from my grasp
gloom
misery
confusion
anger
have they not died?
cheated
i thought they left
never
hid around unseen corners
lurking
hunting
watching for the prey
the storm is over
my thoughts..
mistaken.
naivity
fucking naivity
how could have i
thought
so simply
everything will be fine
back into my little bubble
hah!
the bubble's bursted
never will it return
it can NEVER be the same
a wound,
thought healed
leaves a scar
my scar is deep
my resentment
my betrayal
yet
i'm soft
forgiveness,
an instant grant
foolish
stupid
i must not
denial
how long can i go on
playing with myself\
denial..how have u brainwashed me
a dark cloak
hiding the truth
i know the light
just too glaring
i turn away
enough
no more of this
strength to face the truth
hurtful
piercing
i have to face
my bubble is burst
the dream
is but a dream
u're not who i thought u were
hidden misery
forced smiles
u wont see me cry
not again
ur decisions
ur lies
ur choices
i
nothing more than a shadow
shall disappear
no more tears
its over
mayhaps
never answered questions
understand your decisions...
might never do
challenges in life
i cant step out
things will never be the same
a forced smile
one last look
congratualations
happiness
u stole mine away
make good use of it
smile the smiles
i cant give to u
i still love u
yet
i scorn u
- confusion -
Charlene [4/24/2003 11:42:00 AM]
good friday
the celebration of
a death
good?
the world lost its saviour!
then again
the celebration of
great love
who
who poccess
such strength of love
to suffer
sacrifice
to give
everything
for
ungrateful heathens
beasts who scorn
destroy
kill
so undeserved
yet,
love...
redemned us
dont people appreciate
such unexplainable power
why?
why does chaos still reign?
will peace ever
see the lights of day?
shadows
cover light
forced darkness
yet
tiny beams
light
pure warm hope
shines through
love is
not dead
a kind word
a little smile
a gentle hug
a passionate kiss
a supportive shoulder
simple
priceless
ways of showing
love
its so easy
yet
why are people
reluctant?
is it that tough
to look someone in the eye
and whisper a soft
"i care"
look around
cold
isolated
strangers
all god's creation
so distant
so selfish
so competitive
is that what
life
was meant to be?
i think not
the cries of man
the pain of nature
would u ache
would u regret
gave up everything
just to find
as days past
further destruction
further hatred
does anyone not
be grateful
gratitude
we owe
even lifetimes can't repay
forgiveness
abundant
taken for granted
a way of thanks?
a smile!
the greatest
power
one poccess
i believe
ability to
smile
i can
u can
we all are capable
is it so difficult
i'm sure
Not!
the world deserves
better
the world deserves
happiness
the world deserves
your smile!
smile a little smile for me =)
* being a friend, its tougher than loving u! *
Charlene [4/18/2003 01:00:00 AM]
resumption of the norm
thrust with
dailing responsibilities
hardly a moment's rest
hectic!
rush!
no time to stop!
a linking chain
never-ending?
i love this!
every minute
spent
idle no more
catching a breather
my tired mind
snoozes
well deserved
rewinding the tape
precious moments
wasted
spent without
purpose
but of course
no turning back
long journey ahead
what's the outcome?
maybe the change was good
perfect timing?
pehaps?
time for myself
piorities
sorted out
studies!
studies!
studies!
all tied up
a constant ring in the head
guilt
knocking
i must not
allow it in
tempting as
it is
overcome
i must.
lessons
unforgetable
i gained so much
self-discovery
things i never knew
never been told
a deadly flaw
uncovered
shocking
yet i am
glad
the sin of
possessiveness
ignorant of it
all along
never expected
never thought of
only now
am i aware!
learn from my mistakes
i will try
a better person
my ultimate
* everything happens from a rhyme and reason*
is this why?
after asking all this while
why?
have i found
the answer?
mistakes
no one can teach
merely through discovery
yes, i discovered.
i know now
i have mistaked
i will learn
busy hours
awaiting my consent
tired yet satisfied
the days now seem so short
the sun, hardly shining enough
the moon, so eager to replace
countless walls to climb
happiness to create
will u join me?
sparse my time is
there's always room for
a companion
hold my hand
be my friend
share my life with me!
* smilez! *
Charlene [4/15/2003 07:44:00 PM]
i wonder
why
only when hearts
ache
only when tears
tear
only when rain
falls
does
the mind come alive
words, thoughts, images
conjure and conquer
people say
words of the greatest songs
come not from the pen
but
the tear of the heart
colours of the greatest painting
come not from the palette
but from
the red passion of love
the green thrust of jealousy
the blue gloom of loneliness
why
why does negativity
poccess such unspeakable power
the strength of its grip
the lure of its temptations
why must
one man suffer deep
so as
another man can gain
price of irony
words filled
overflowing with emotions
who
truly
can feel his pain
can taste his tears
can endure his suffering
life
ever so
complicated
twisted
tormented
abused
misjudged
unloved
evil
mankind
the demons of the race
make or break
all in our hands
has the world
not suffered enough
is the world
just a heartless land
god
your creations
turned ugly
can this be mend?
are u weeping?
the raindrops i see
your tears?
alas,
the sun still shines
your tears, dried up
everyday
a new revalation
a new hope
evil may detroy
but love is power
a smile
simple
yet..
magical
sign of peace
breaks barriers
joins hearts
a smile
=)
smile a smile for me!
Charlene [4/11/2003 04:10:00 AM]
deaths
day by day
lives are taken
gone far away
tears shed
misery suffered
when will all this end
innocent lives
lost with a blast
just that split second
all is over
is life really
that fickle
life brings so many
ups and downs
its so hard to
get thru life
yet
its so easy
to end
a press of a button
a solid hit
everything's black - death
the cruel silence
death
comes up to u
without a call
pays u a visit
u're the unsuspecting host
when?
only god knows
am i prepared to welcome
my unwanted visitor?
no
i'm not a ready host
so many things
undone
unfinished
un-experienced
countless doors of life
awaiting opening
awaiting discovery
life is
but once
i have not
smiled enough
laughed enough
cried enough
loved enough
each day
passes, the clock
ticking
the sand, draining
i am
unprepared host
walk by my door
death
walk by
as how god's angels
walked by houses of jews
goat's blood
smeared over my heart
walk by
u r not welcomed
life
is awaiting my
embracement
throw me with
obstacles
hurt
love
happiness
i want them all
give me LIFE
every part of it
i embrace it
= smiles =
Charlene [4/09/2003 02:05:00 AM]
i saw
your eyes
the same dazzling pair
on telly
movie- white palace
actor- james spader
your eyes
the identical stare u pocess
those intense
captivating
pair of diamonds
whisks my breath away
holding me hostage
falling deep
into those magical trances
i miss your eyes
i miss staring straight into them
feels as though
u're reading my thoughts
searching my soul
your eyes
they do wonders
how much longer
before i can
once again
look into your eyes
i know
things will never be the same
that love
gone with the wind
that passion
nothing more then a memory
but never
will your eyes change
magical
breath taking
they hold me captive
when can i see them , once more?
- its who you are that i love, but i need your trust - james spader, white palace
Charlene [4/06/2003 02:39:00 AM]
life is sweet
suddenly
i dont feel sad
anymore
tears disappeared
heartaches flown away
the smiles
all coming home
it feels great
giving my poor mind a break
its been doing overtime
for way too long
my eyes can finally
call it a day
my lips have been turned
upset down for far too long
i'm smiling now
its true
where did all that sadness go?
clueless
they just left
after the phone call
things set straight
i knew
my decision
the right choice
no turning back
this is it
strolling out of the
storm
fighting my way back
been a hard journey
countless lessons
learnt
a happier
brighter
me
i hope
this will last
i'm smiling
its true!
nights dont seem lonely
no more
i embrace slumber
for when i wake
its a brand new day
nightmares
held back by my
dreamcatcher
my heart, taking
a well deserved vacation
i'm happy
i'm smiling
its true!
- smiles! -
Charlene [4/05/2003 04:19:00 AM]
for once
i'm not crying
for once
i'm not sad
for once
i'm smiling
things did not turn out so bad.
mutual agreement
friends
full stop
period
no feelings
no nothing
forever friends he said
sounds lovely
doesnt it?
here's the tough part
erase all feelings
lock up all memories
it all over
pack up, time to go
hope u enjoyed the show
a new chapter
soon to unveil
a lasting friendship in the making
i still love u
i sill care for u
i dont think i will ever
not
but from now
all the love, all the care
will purely be reflected
on how much i appreciate
treasure
our friendship.
love
not purely for couples
a love for a friend
can last even longer
so i can proudly say
once again
- i love u -
-smilez!!-
Charlene [4/03/2003 12:37:00 AM]
another beautiful poem from denise mei...
she's so good at this!
the poem truly expresses my every thought
every feeling
thank u so much mei!
~~*~~*~~*~~
like a stab in my heart,
a sudden impact that seems so hard,
which will leave a hurting scar behind.
some things are just so hard to find,
the words i feel to form a line.
i wish that all these was just a dream,
perpetual thoughts, never leaving.
how im feeling now is the opposite of yours
im so depressed `cos im at a loss
i couldnt find the words that could actually fit right in
and pull out the heavy load in my heart within
only one will actually feel how i feel,
would you believe me if it was you?
i really need you but i dont want this to come to an end
and it sucks i wanna burst all the troubles surrounding me.
Charlene [4/02/2003 07:26:00 PM]
my heart beat races
i heard your voice
that familiar melody
i yearned so long
u wanted to
talk
your decision
of this
situation
one month is barely
up
why now?
something i would not like to hear
u warned
suspicion grows
in less than 2 weeks
u seemed so
sure
confident
of what u feel
that is never u!
always unsure
undetermined
is this u at all?
i'm afraid
i'm terribly afraid
should i expect the worst?
or hope for the best?
something i would not like to hear
i fear
the ultimate
will i be strong enough
to walk away
to smile and leave
or will i
finally
crumble and
shatter.
can i not know?
can u not hurt me?
can i not go through
more torturous
more evil
more unbearable
PAIN!
i cry
of fear
trumbling within
i'm afraid
TERRIFIED
i fear...
the worst.
- please be strong -
Charlene [4/02/2003 04:00:00 PM]
yet another page
of happy memories filled
day filled with laughs,
joy
happiness
i miss this feeling
a risk taken
but worthwhile it was
but once again
as night fell
thoughts of u
freed from their chambers
but perhaps
weary and tired from a
long day
they did me
no harm
no tears
no pain
just longing for u
missing u
wondering
do u miss me too?
- absence makes the heart grow fonder -
does this still apply
to u?
it did...
once before...
do u recall?
every word written down
take a step back
i'm sure
u'll recall.
3 more weeks?
sounds
short
feels
like it will never end
will i get my happy ending?
i dare not hope
for hope
disappointment only will it bring
PLEASE..i plea
no more heartaches
no more tears
no more pain
god... have i not suffered enough?
shameful
admit..i am..
weak
i shun away
cover me...
your blanket of sanctuary
sanctuary..
i seek
in the cold
cold..
painful
lonely
i want u back
your i.o.u of warmth
can i claim it now?
at my most
fragile
weakest
desperate hour
where r u?
my angel...
r u watching me?
help me
comfort me
i fall
only u can help me up
i miss u...
- in the arms of an angel, fly away from here -
take me...
somewhere
i can smile
somewhere
without tears
- in the arms of an angel, may u find some comfort here -
*~*~*~*~*~*
Charlene [4/02/2003 01:50:00 AM]
where have they gone
those lovely memories
when i could
confidently say
u loved me
u needed me
u wanted me
looking back
it seems as though
the U i knew dont exist anymore
a complete change
where have u gone?
has the cameloen changed its colors?
or have u,
as i fear
lost interest in me?
like the lastest fashio trends
being stashed into the store
am i just a toy?
has the little boy
grew tired of his
boring ole toy?
june, 2002....
my favourite month
of that unforgetable year
our love flourished
empty promises
tho i thought were true
u raised all my hopes
brought me smashing down
your " i love u"s and "i miss u"s...
has the table turned?
where has my baby gone?
werent u happy?
i was
truly happy!
why couldnt things
stayed frozen in that time
i would give up everything
to have those times
on reruns without end
god..please..give me back those times
my heart breaks
tears
shatters
at the slighest reconciliation
of those happy days
the pain
excurciating
unbearable
GOD!
WHY??
WHY ALL THIS PAIN?
what have i done to deserve all this?
i never took the past
for granted
i treasured every moment
i love u
with all my heart
u know
u felt it
god, i sure u knew
did i not show
enough love?
enough care?
enough sincerity?
nothing more i can do
i gave all out
why must i feel this pain?
- he fed u with good fish..and now, throws u with the rotten -
i dont blame u
i kid none but me
i led myself
foolish games, i agreed to play
placed my heart into your
hands
guess it was my mistake
i let out the sticker
fragile - HANDLE WITH CARE
foolish games
fools - the players
did i write my own
bittersweet symphony?
a fool, none but i
my heart cries
yet my eyes,
dry
the pain overwhelms
emotions, take over
tired
i am
my eyes, tired
do i have the strength
to produce just one more drop?
let this drop
empty away my pain
nothing
the hurt stays
i must overcome
no other way.
how long can i endure
i will try
slumber calls
tentacles of nightmares
stretching
luring me in
keep me safe
i pray
keep me safe
as i retire
just a silent word
i miss u
i hope u know...
Charlene [4/01/2003 01:22:00 AM]
a lovely poem...from denise mei mei =)
thank u so much! love ya! u rawk!
~*~*~*~*
knowing that my love for you is true
but sad to know i cant have you
feel my heart like a dagger stab thru
oh my god, what wrong did i do
have i done something that i dont deserve you
even if i do everything for you like a fool
even if the sea remains blue
will you actually know that i still love you
denise, u have no idea how much this means to me..
to know that someone truly shares how i feel
thank u so much!
= hugz =
Charlene [3/31/2003 06:57:00 PM]
nightfall once again
all is silence
crickets awaken, their calls loud and clear
funny, i've never recalled their calls
so loud..so disturbing
perhaps, drowned out by your voice
whispering through the phone
though just a phonecall
never thought much of it before
i miss it so
your sweet good nights
and (i hope) sincere care
welcomed me into slumber
with such lovely arms
- see u in dreamland! -
we used to say
how true to me it is today
my eyes retire
your image sweeps clear across
reminding me
the parts of my life u used to fill
where have u gone?
i brought my own misery
all this, my choice!
i wished i had it another way
no other solutions
though i pray there was
i miss u, i knew i would
a call this evening
my rented house's tenant
passed away
the wife,
sorrow
alone
he left her
without a warning.
time takes away
our loved ones
sometimes
reasons never known.
slipping through her fingers
she felt nothing
she had no idea
but now
he's gone
looking down on his tearful wife
life- why all this sadness?
war-illness-deaths
i suffer none
yet, i too, am a victim
victim of life's cruel jokes
does it bring pleasure
to see tears?
to feel heartbreaks?
to witness losses?
if so, life is
worthy of none.
irony
life can bring smiles
i remember mine
love, friendship, family
a warm smile or a sincere hug
times never erased
like a carving on the wall
traces never fade away
will suffering ever end?
happiness - the final victor?
i pray
kneeling before god
love is almighty
show me love
show the victims...love
- all we need is a lil love to bring joy into our days! -
i am capable of love
but will i receive any?
god..show me love
like how i show love
- sigh -
i miss u
are u there?
do u hear me?
i miss u
* r.i.p dear sir *
- until now and then, till i see u again, i'll be loving u, love me -
Charlene [3/31/2003 01:45:00 AM]
busy day
but never a second were my thoughts
drawn from u
town was expectedly less crowded..
kept my eyes open
hoping to spot u
eh? did u just walk past my table?
nope, my mistake
hang on? isnt that u on the escalator?
oops, wrong again.
then again, why see u?
would that change anything?
would i miss u less?
no!
the whole day spent
wishing to catch a glimpse of u
then again,
i was praying i wouldnt see u
how would i face u?
what can i say?
fake a smile?
hello and bye?
u'd be so near..yet so close.
my heart yearns for your presence
my mind desperately pushing u away
who will win?
- my mind is saying "fool forget him". my heart is saying,"dont let go" -
someone said to me:
painful as it is,
whatever the outcome,
it will all be worth it
worth it?
losing the chance to feel u
feel u close to me
losing the chance to feel your love
feel u loving me
losing the chance to relive my memories
memories that come knocking at the strangest hours
worth it?
god...no..no way!
remember the song
u once dedicated to me
- ..how wonderful life is, now u're in the world -
will i ever hear that from u again?
where have all those times flown to?
life is about moving on
can i say no?
can i stay trapped in that moment
of true happiness
if i could take away my tears
and replace each drop with your love
i will never ask for anything more
if i could take away my tears
and replace each drop with a minute spent beside u
it'd last me a lifetime and more
when will i stop my tears
will they ever run out?
it hurts...
it really does
- sigh -
i miss u........
please dry my tears
Charlene [3/29/2003 11:28:00 PM]
my mom exploded..again
thrice this week
my brother's at it again.
whats wrong with him?
why doesnt he listen?
he's only 12
tender defiance..whats gonna happen?
mommy's baby...
her precious son..
all the attention..
all the love
gone to waste!
does he not appreciate everything?
pain from mom's voice..
doesnt he feel it
she hates it, she loves him too much
she has no choice..tho it hurts
how can he stand to hurt her
he knows how much she loves him
why doesnt he appreciate her?
appreciation....hurt....love...
sounds familiar.
isnt mom suffering as i am?
- sigh -
i shed my tear for u , mommy
Charlene [3/28/2003 09:49:00 PM]
- love takes no less than everything -
dreamless slumber, thank u god.
as much as i love the sensation
snug under the sheets
warm...cosy....
remember those endless nights?
smiles, laughs and tears shared?
where did it all go?
memories, desperate to be relived
never possible?
-sigh-
i fear slumber
only in slumber..am i absolutely helpless
my mind gains freedom
my strength retires
dreams come alive
mastery coils keep me chained
have i no control?
anger...misery...JEALOUSY
sins of man...
i am guilty.
all for love...
love for u
*~* i miss you *~*
-sigh-
Charlene [3/28/2003 03:42:00 PM]
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
the sky is dark..
can't see the moon
stars twinkling..
wind's getting strong..
the aircon's on but i left the windows open...
dont ask why..juz felt like it
maybe i'm hoping for an angel to come in?
maybe i'm hoping for some love letter to drift into my room?
that is so nonsense!
why am i wasting such a lovely night cooped in my room...feeling sad?
the playground bench downstairs look so empty..
can u meet me there?
can we talk like the time we did before?
i miss being beside u..
i miss your lovely eyes..the ones that have such a cheeky glint
i miss your smell..u know how fond i am of it
i miss your smile..u know how badly it melts my heart
in movies..this is the night where a couple strolls down the beach
holding hands.. just loving each other's company..
falling asleep in each other arms...
where's my happy ending?
- even heroes have the right to bleed -
i try to be strong...i'm trying to be brave
for once..i'm taking a stand.
but i'm afraid..i'm not as strong as i want myself to be
my heart aches
my tears falls
my head spins
all because of u
cant u see..how much u mean to me...
cant u see..how much i love u
cant u see..how miserable i am without u
how can u bare to hurt the person who loves u most?
am i asking for too much?
i miss u - baby -
*sigh*
Charlene [3/28/2003 01:14:00 AM]
success!!!
the cake is delicious!!
smooth...fluffy...soft... yummy!!!
its a miracle..considering i cant cook for nuts!! -heez-
does this mean kelvin misses me?
or is it just god making me happy??
i'm happy now..tt's all that matters!
wish kelvin could try it...he'd love it!
-sigh-
-smiles-
i think i'm just a silly girl in love..
but for now..i'm happy... tt's all that matters =)
Charlene [3/27/2003 11:29:00 PM]
juz came back from groceries!
since i'm so depressed..i'm juz gonna pig out!
bought cake mix..butter-choc fudge cake...yummy!
but whats the joy of baking a cake..
if u have no one to bake it for..
bake it for kelvin? good idea
but he's not gonna have a chance to taste it?
i'll just eat his share as well..
if its good..i'll do it again after this 1month is over..
if not..i guess not fated to bake cake! haha!
in a much better mood now..
guess i'm not thinking too much
but i still miss him..
wonder if he misses me.
god..here's the deal..
if the cake turns out good..
it means he misses me
if the cake turns out awful...
it means he doesnt..
deal? deal!
-smiles- cant wait! =)
Charlene [3/27/2003 06:08:00 PM]
life hasnt been very friendly to me lately.
school problems are always around..bugging me from every corner..
bowling's kinda screwing up...man i hate vickie!
my love life is rockier than the canadian rockies...
my bro is becoming so damn pissifying..
u kinda get the picture.
life without kelvin's been..well...miserable!
i hate to admit it..but i'm missing him like crazy!
he's not suppose to call me for 1 month..in fact..we're supposed to be off contact..but god...its not easy as i thought.
the first 2-3 days were fine..i kept myself busy..didnt think abt him..and i thought "wow..things r gg better than i thought"
but wham bam...it hit me yesterday. a single sms about blue postponing their concert got me all teary eyed
only then did i realise..
i havent been forgetting him..
all i'm doing is pushing thoughts about him all the way to the back of my head..
its kinda like a balloon filled fully with water..
u dont touch it..everythiing's fine..
but with just a slight prick of a needle..the water comes gushing out..
tt's what happened..
just seeing "kelvin baby" appear on my sms screen sent all the feelings rushing out..
should i reply? yes? no?
i yearned to hear his voice..
i wanted him back in my life..
3 hours passed..i still couldnt get him outta my head..
tears were constantly forming around my eyes..urging to flow out..but i couldnt
i will not shed another tear for him! he doesnt deserve it!
< no one is worth your tears..and the one who really is, wont make u cry>
does that apply to me? i want it to.
crying isnt nice.. it hurts..it really does.
went off for a nap..hoping to sleep the tears and misses away...
had a nightmare- dreamt kelvin called. alot of shouting. alot of crying. screaming at the top of my voice. weiting's name was mentioned. kelvin yelled at me. never been so pissed before. woke up crying.
felt miserbale thru-out the night. announcement of school closure..
happy? not really!
what am i suppose to do at home.
start thinking again? crying again?
hell..no! please..no!
confined in yihao. cheered me up.
not for long
what was i thinking? yihao..for god's sake..what am i doing?
i'm taking him as a substitute!
miss kelvin so much..
yihao reminds me of kelvin so much..
talked to yihao..thinking of kelvin...
i'm gonna hurt yihao..because of kelvin.
this is crazy!
i miss kelvin..i really do.
-sigh-
stayed awake till 4..thinking.. (what else)
finally slept. dreamless sleep! good!
woke up..
"2 message received"
1) yihao- good morning sunshine. hope ure feeling better.
2) kelvin baby- school's out, bowling too eh? well, take this time to study hard k?
the balloon burst.
cried..no..broke down!
does he miss me?
does he miss me as much as i do?
or am i just someone who isnt around to keep him company?
1 month..please let this work out
please let him learn to appreciate me.
i love him..but i need some love back.
i miss him..god..i really do.
why couldnt the smses be switched.
qi said last nyte..the person who treats u right..u dont like..
the person who treats u wrong..u die die hold on.
am i a silly girl?
or am i just a fool in love?
-sigh-
i miss kelvin
Charlene [3/27/2003 01:23:00 PM]
the show must go on hopes dashed dreams drowned in tears IGNITION start over!
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